Questioning Existence

shesayss

Sooner than later, we won’t be living on this earth anymore and the only thing people will remember us by is the impact we had on their lives or what we did. To make any difference is making A difference! Everyday I think of the things I want to do in life and most importantly who I want to grow to be! I see a lot of people making a living doing nothing at all. They go about life with no dreams no aspirations, no desire to ever be in a better place than where they are, OR are satisfied with being someone they aren’t. Going through the motions. Why is that? This doesn’t give your mind space to pursue other things. With so much to absorb, so much to do, we learn to find shortcuts and become less attentive to the world around us. To the people around us…

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Give him a reason to stay

As I growing up, I’m starting to learn a lot about myself, and it seems to be hitting me all at once!

It can be difficult especially when you’re in a serious relationship. I love my boyfriend dearly. He means the world to me. But we’ve had our fair share of fights. And I’m talking break up kind of fights. He has broken up with me twice since we began dating.

The second time was a little more serious, but we worked things out. But ever since then, I’ve become extremely conscious about everything I do, or say because I don’t want him to break up with me again.

Sometimes it does get in the way of our relationship, especially on my part because I constantly want to know what he’s thinking or feeling and I want him to show it, so that I am reassured that he still feels the same for me. But anytime he doesn’t do the things he usually does, I panic. Then I start over thinking, and it turns into a mess that didn’t need to be a mess anyway. 

I’m learning a lot about myself, my likes and dislikes, my do’s and dont’s, and the man I want in my life. He is the man I want to be with. I may only be 20, but I know I want HIM. 

He has his values, his priorities right, his mind is right. I want him to look at me and feel exactly how I feel writing this. I don’t want him to look at me and think, “she’s so insecure, about herself and about our relationship”. I don’t want him to feel like he has to constantly reassure me that he won’t leave me. I want to be the apple of his eye, the woman he’d do anything for. 

How can I do that? 

How can I literally make him CRAVE my company the I crave his?

If there’s one thing I know damn well, its that God is the only man who should be number 1 in any woman’s life. The more time you spend with God, the healthier you feel, spiritually, emotionally, even physically! The more you crave God, the less you’ll crave the attention of man. And the less you crave their attention, the more interested they seem to become!

They’re like cat’s, chasing a rat. Once they catch the rat and kill it, they lose interest in it because there is no excitement in chasing a dead rat. 

God is my top priority. I’m in such a fragile point in my life and I need a hand to hold and guide me. That hand is God’s hand. Not man. 

Be happy with yourselves, be confident, smile everyday because no matter how tough the situation, there is ALWAYS a reason to smile. 

🙂 

“You’ll be fine”

She.
Scared. Worried.
But hopeful.
She’s taking slow, necessary steps.
Breathing.
Listening.
Looking.
Where will she be, tomorrow? Next week? Next year?
Success. . .
A continuous phenomenon
That she constantly is trying to attain.
Everyday.
Every moment.
With every breath.

Easy? Dont make me laugh. . .
She moves one step forward. . .
but feels like she’s taken ten steps back.
Fail. Failing. Failure.
She’s become accustomed to it.
Convinced by it.
Friends with it 

God.
Where are you? She. She doesn’t understand.
She doesn’t see. She needs to see. . .
You. . .
Why does she fail?
Help.
She’s scared to ask.
School, what is it for. Why stay when there’s nothing to learn. To enjoy. To see. Without you.

God.
Give. Her. Peace.
She.
She needs peace
Because she cant see.
She can only believe.
Believe that you have her back despite the convincing traits of her friend “failure”.

Faith.
Faith cancels failure. Replaces failure.
Faith. She has faith.
Strong faith? No.
But faith none the less.
Gaining with each prayer.
Each thought of you. . .

Things are different. A good different.

This is me, now. Who i want to be. . .

This week started off a little rough. I was in sort of a bad place with myself and needed to talk to someone. Not just type things and delete them. I wanted another persons view and judgement. 

I was literally given cold, hard, tough advice which was exactly what i needed. Lol. . . Sometimes you need some tough love to put you in check y’know! Haha

Now i know it takes a long time to change. But after hearing what this person i talked to had to say, my spirit just sort of shifted back into the gear and i was so excited to just share it with my boyfriend! Mainly because I’ve been really difficult, negative, sad, OMG i don’t know how he put up with it. But he did. He was amazing, always there for me. Always my shoulder to lean on. . . Always a good example of the kind of person i wanted to be. Loving, positive, happy, God fearing. . . 

Well, i expressed my appreciation to him on Tuesday and my week seemed to be getting better and better until that night. . .

He said he had been feeling off. . . 

I’m not going to get into the details of it, but lets just say he broke up with me. . . He wasn’t happy with me. 

That struck me. It was like a huge slap to my face. That I really am not worth anything and i really just made his life miserable.

My world was spinning out of control. It still is. Haha!

Nothing i said could make him change his mind or even listen to me. It seemed like, he had already made up his mind way before talking to me. . . I was shattered. Like a broken glass, that’s been spat on and trashed as though it was of no use from the beginning.  

I fell in love. Hopelessly, openly, faithfully, i fell so deeply in love with a man i thought would be my friend forever. With someone i saw myself being with forever. Was the pressure to stay with me too much? To be with one woman for the rest of your life? Probably. 

I opened my soul to him, my being, my everything. 

I went against all my rules and opened my heart to a person i thought i could trust. I went against ALL the rules women follow to stay guarded. I failed myself. 

I don’t know the real reason he broke up with me. Because i truly cannot believe he was unhappy for a whole YEAR and four months. What kind of crazy is that? 

I do know one thing. . . 

He ended it like he was finally throwing away some piece of trash he had been carrying around for months, and months, and months. 

He brushed me off like i was worthless, useless. 

He didn’t want to fight for me, because what’s the use of fighting for something that doesn’t benefit your life?

What’s the use of being with someone who takes away your happiness?

There’s no logical reason to stay with a person like that. To stay with me. 

I was nothing but a distraction from the life he was trying to live. 

 

We live and we learn. I’ve prayed and prayed and talked and listened and thought and all i can say is that, God literally has my back.

He’s given me way to much for me to be unhappy. . .

He’s protected me and stood by me even when i didn’t seek him. . .

He is my strength, my rock, my life and i cant wait to learn more about him. My life has been extremely bumpy and I’ve been doing a lot to get things back on track. . . This week gave me a chance to do that. To start that.  

I just thought i would have Ricky by my side so I could show him. Show him that “hey, you being there for me wasn’t for nothing. You sharing with me your beliefs wasn’t for nothing. You expressing yourself to me WAS NOT FOR NOTHING! You influencing me was everything i needed and more.”

I felt like it was my turn to influence him in a positive way. It was my turn to prove to myself and EVERYONE who constantly judges me that i’m not this retarded party girl who drinks and smokes and that’s all i want from life. SMH. I don’t even know why people look at me like that, its very unfortunate because that’s exactly the opposite of what i am.

This man i fell in love with, saved me. . . .  Not that i needed him to. It just happened. Who know’s where I’d be if he didn’t come into my life. 

I miss him. I’m going to miss him. So much.

But I’ve learned from yesterday, I’m living for today and hoping for tomorrow. . . My hope is in Christ because he knows the plans he has for me and they are plans to PROSPER. . . Never to harm me. . . 

The road may not be smooth all the way, but God guarantee’s that he’ll get you to your destination safe and sound. 

And i believe that.