This is me, now. Who i want to be. . .
This week started off a little rough. I was in sort of a bad place with myself and needed to talk to someone. Not just type things and delete them. I wanted another persons view and judgement.
I was literally given cold, hard, tough advice which was exactly what i needed. Lol. . . Sometimes you need some tough love to put you in check y’know! Haha
Now i know it takes a long time to change. But after hearing what this person i talked to had to say, my spirit just sort of shifted back into the gear and i was so excited to just share it with my boyfriend! Mainly because I’ve been really difficult, negative, sad, OMG i don’t know how he put up with it. But he did. He was amazing, always there for me. Always my shoulder to lean on. . . Always a good example of the kind of person i wanted to be. Loving, positive, happy, God fearing. . .
Well, i expressed my appreciation to him on Tuesday and my week seemed to be getting better and better until that night. . .
He said he had been feeling off. . .
I’m not going to get into the details of it, but lets just say he broke up with me. . . He wasn’t happy with me.
That struck me. It was like a huge slap to my face. That I really am not worth anything and i really just made his life miserable.
My world was spinning out of control. It still is. Haha!
Nothing i said could make him change his mind or even listen to me. It seemed like, he had already made up his mind way before talking to me. . . I was shattered. Like a broken glass, that’s been spat on and trashed as though it was of no use from the beginning.
I fell in love. Hopelessly, openly, faithfully, i fell so deeply in love with a man i thought would be my friend forever. With someone i saw myself being with forever. Was the pressure to stay with me too much? To be with one woman for the rest of your life? Probably.
I opened my soul to him, my being, my everything.
I went against all my rules and opened my heart to a person i thought i could trust. I went against ALL the rules women follow to stay guarded. I failed myself.
I don’t know the real reason he broke up with me. Because i truly cannot believe he was unhappy for a whole YEAR and four months. What kind of crazy is that?
I do know one thing. . .
He ended it like he was finally throwing away some piece of trash he had been carrying around for months, and months, and months.
He brushed me off like i was worthless, useless.
He didn’t want to fight for me, because what’s the use of fighting for something that doesn’t benefit your life?
What’s the use of being with someone who takes away your happiness?
There’s no logical reason to stay with a person like that. To stay with me.
I was nothing but a distraction from the life he was trying to live.
We live and we learn. I’ve prayed and prayed and talked and listened and thought and all i can say is that, God literally has my back.
He’s given me way to much for me to be unhappy. . .
He’s protected me and stood by me even when i didn’t seek him. . .
He is my strength, my rock, my life and i cant wait to learn more about him. My life has been extremely bumpy and I’ve been doing a lot to get things back on track. . . This week gave me a chance to do that. To start that.
I just thought i would have Ricky by my side so I could show him. Show him that “hey, you being there for me wasn’t for nothing. You sharing with me your beliefs wasn’t for nothing. You expressing yourself to me WAS NOT FOR NOTHING! You influencing me was everything i needed and more.”
I felt like it was my turn to influence him in a positive way. It was my turn to prove to myself and EVERYONE who constantly judges me that i’m not this retarded party girl who drinks and smokes and that’s all i want from life. SMH. I don’t even know why people look at me like that, its very unfortunate because that’s exactly the opposite of what i am.
This man i fell in love with, saved me. . . . Not that i needed him to. It just happened. Who know’s where I’d be if he didn’t come into my life.
I miss him. I’m going to miss him. So much.
But I’ve learned from yesterday, I’m living for today and hoping for tomorrow. . . My hope is in Christ because he knows the plans he has for me and they are plans to PROSPER. . . Never to harm me. . .
The road may not be smooth all the way, but God guarantee’s that he’ll get you to your destination safe and sound.
And i believe that.